The song pretty accurately describes my feelings towards people. But it was not always this way.
In the early days, though my life was not exactly the picture perfect squeaky clean happy life that many of my peers had enjoyed, it was not all that bad. Though this changed a little in the transition between grade school and middle school, I still had a fairly accepting attitude towards my fellow man.
But then, like a bat out of hell, high school came along. And hardly before I had adjusted to the new enviroment, I was introduced to the other side of people (in this case, teenagers). Bullying in past times has normally been face to face. I only wish that was the case for myself.
One thing about me that has never changed, is my desire to defend those that I know, if I see them being treated unfairly. And not to long into my first year in high school, I come across a web forum with many people (anonymously) picking on people (and friends), so I made the decision to jump in and get involved. Instead of being anonymous, I decided to take the highroad and post using my real name.
At the time I was acting on behalf of my friends, and the student body at large. In my eyes, the anonymous one sided bashing was cowardly (if they say it, they better be prepared for someone to call it out). In retrospect, I should have not used my name in these posts, in fact, not posted at all.
I had expected a bit of a backlash, but the reaction I got was huge. It seemed like overnight, I suddenly became the target. People, most of which I didn’t have any idea who they were, would throw all sorts of insults. And I would do the same right back (at times, not thinking before I typed). It was a vicious, yet addictive cycle.
Pretty much simultaneously, I was “dating” a crazy women online. I say dating as “dating”, as it was a largely one sided relationship. One sided in that, only one of us was in the relationship willingly. Yep. Its quite the story LOL.
It all started early on in the year. I had met a girl in the 7th grade, and though we were sent to different high schools, we communicated daily though email. We chatted about different things, mostly her life. Until one day she asked me if I wanted to go out with her. At the time, not feeling ready for such a commitment, I decided to decline. I figured that she would understand.
Unfortunately for me, she was not understanding, and was upset. That part is understandable (even if shes upset, she will get over it). But the next part, not so much.
I got an email message from a “sister” of hers (and if I remember correctly, a couple of friends) claiming that if I don’t say yes to dating her, then basically, I would be harmed. Being somewhat shocked by these messages (and very gullible at the time), I quickly “changed my mind” and decided to date the girl. I figured, it can’t be that bad.
If only. Soon these “family members” and “friends” of hers began to email me with the same old threats, but now demanding I give certain gifts or money to the girl. Which didn’t happen, because frankly, I came from a poor family and didn’t have any money to spare.
And so this situation, along with the previously described forum situation, were both happening simultaneously though out the year, both gradually intensifying.
Until the end of the school year (or near the end) when I exposed the “family members” and “friends” of the girl as her herself (after seeing an episode of either Criminal Minds or CSI NY, combined with a friend of mine also having a strange encounter with her). At this time the forum situation also started to die down quite a bit as the mod eliminated anonymous postings (though the forum stayed up for a year or so even after this point).
By this point, I had largely become a shell of my former pre-high school self. Most (if not all) of my previous reasons for believing in the sincerity and selflessness of there fellow man and humanity in general, had been destroyed.
In the following years, though my school situation was much more tame then the first year, I don’t think I ever really recovered from my choices back in the day, the choice to post on that stupid forum site. I did not have very many friends in my own grade level, so I gravitated towards those a grade below me (but I did have a few friends in my grade level, that I have to this day).
I stayed in school though the next 3 years, though I eventually gave up trying to catch up and keep my grades up (having been “preoccupied” in grade 9, caused me to miss most of what was taught then). Grade 12 was an interesting year, because being 18, I had the choice of whether or not I wanted to attend. I attended school and worked evenings, but eventually begun not attending mornings, then classes I didn’t like, then was down to 1 (afternoon English, my favorite subject lol).
This year ended and I ended up failing that class lol.
Over the summer I worked 2 jobs for a bit, but eventually ended up full time evenings at my fast food job and attempted again to complete my grade 12 year. I remember the night before the first day of school because me and friends had been drinking Rockstar Vodkas and I didn’t get any sleep whatsoever lol. Of course this was the year after everyone I know had graduated, so I didn’t know hardly anyone. Since there was no one to talk to, it was very lonely. One afternoon, it just got to be to much, so I packed my locker up, left, and didn’t go back. When given the choice of earning a living, and getting a largely useless diploma, I took work.
I worked at the fast food job for a year or so, then I moved on to a cashier position at a gas bar (with the help of a close friend). I worked there for 5 years, and those are probably the 5 worst years of my existence. The job was not bad, but the customers I served were often terrible. Ignorant obnoxious douche bags.
After getting fed up with some both the company and the industry I worked for, I took an old bosses offer and went back to my fast food job of previous. But after a management change, that job had declined to the point of being worse then my job before that (gas bar), so I started looking again, and got hired at a grocery store about 5 months after applying. I was happy, because that was the first job I landed WITHOUT a helping hand from within the organization (minus my very first job).
So though I gave the fast food job a chance for a good 5 months, after displaying no signs of improvement, I decided to make my move and left them in the dust.
If there is something ive learned along the way, its that people = S***. Life is life, people are what makes it difficult.
At times I ask myself the “What if” question regarding my past . . . . . . . . . for example, what if I never joined that forum in grade 9? What if I never fell for that girls trick? What if I had never decided to friend the girl in grade 8, in the first place?
Like the God question, I am forced to live with it being an unknown. Also like the God question, I often wonder, what if . . .
I am now a high school graduate, after having my former principal buged me enough that I went to our schools off campus location. I graduated in June 2011.