Yesterday was a bit of an interesting day. I was browsing my facebook news feed, and happened across a post by a friend of mine which seemed to be basically, an apology for hitting his girlfriend and mother of their child.
This took me by surprise, being that I have worked with the fellow at a full time shit hole job for 2 years, and could not see any violent tendencies in his personality. This was a job that tended to mercilessly kick the SHIT out of you on a regular basis with no remorse, and yet I did not see that the stress really affected him.
If I were to characterize him as anything, it would be a bit of a dumbass. Not always the brightest bulb in the box, but a positive and outgoing personality to have around. Such people help to relax my ever analytic, cynical and negative personality.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love a challenge. Getting in heated debates and defending what I deem to be correct can be, exhilarating. And consuming news and other information (no matter how negative the potential insights are) is something I enjoy doing (viewing and consuming information to me is what video games and such is to others). However, there are times when it is all, to much.
Hence where the free spirited, positive nature of the dumbass is nice to have around.
But back on the topic, I was somewhat surprised and confused at the allegation that someone that I deemed as seemingly non-violent, would do this sort of thing. He may have been a dumbass, but I knew that he had deep affection for his lady.
I tend to be a paranoid person (stemming from some past issues with people) and one of the lingering “affects” of that was, I tend to be fairly good at reading peoples personalities (almost from the first meeting). When it comes to people putting on a positive facade, or having some other negative character trait, I can usually pick up on it fairly early on.
Though it is entirely plausible for me to be wrong, my hunches tend to be more often then not, correct. When it comes to the person in question, I seen no red flags from day one (or ever in dealing with him).
But it seemed that a varying mix of huge stress-ors in life had helped to fuel the unthinkable, im thinking during what would be just any regular relationship spat. Not that this is at all, justification. But it provides a plausible explanation.
Its always bad to make snap judgments without knowing the full context of the situation. If your about to say “YOUR BLAMING THE VICTIM!”, do us all a favor and fuck off. The judicial system does not lay charges based on evidence from only one side of the situation for a reason.
Remember what happened when Rolling Stone did that with the UVA incident?
Another thing I seen a lot of in the facebook comments under the thread was, a notion that this was some kind of unpardonable act. Many were wishing the couple luck in fixing this, but others were around saying things like “Once a wifebeater, always a wife beater. She can do better than you!”. And under a recently shared anti-abuse meme of his (viewable HERE , since I borrowed it for my own uses), some wrote in the comments that he should erase that because he is in no position to be promoting such a cause.
I decided to get involved, partially because what I was reading was just fucking STUPID, and partially because these loudmouth feminists (as they so often do!) always seem to think that they have a right to spew whatever they want, and no one else can stand up to them. Because if you do, your not on their side, and your an abuse apologist.
Well, that is NOT how it works in my book.
I don’t give a shit if every case of a man hitting a women makes the man an unpardonable soul in the eyes of the popular feminist movement. For one thing, this stupidly simple “logic” is not flexible to the many nuances of reality (for example, the affects of stress on reactions of anger). For another, many other mistakes in judgment brought on by duress have the stress factor taken into account. And because, had the roles been reversed, I can almost GUARANTEE that no one would be calling the female party an unpardonable person had she hit or otherwise assaulted her male partner (lets be honest!).
But what is more of a problem, is the mental affect of the stigma of the male involved. If everyone is telling a person that they were abusive ONCE therefore they shall be that way forever, how can they not internalize that on some level?
By saying “Once a wife beater, always a wife beater!”, do you not realize that you may be creating a self fulfilling prophecy for any future partners?
Repeated or chronic abuse from a person of ANY gender is no joke, and should be punished harshly. But do not assume every instance of abuse dictates the person into this category. Because your not just failing to help your cause, your actively undermining it.